When I was a sophomore in college, I decided to audition for the local children’s theatre during summer break.  I looked forward to it as it was my first paying acting job.  The show for that summer was the Wizard of Oz, I was casted as Glenda the good witch. The wicked witch was played by a girl named Dawn. Dawn smoked clove cigarettes, wore foundation three shades lighter than her skin and the children’s theatre thing was supposed to go toward her sentence for community hours. Danny was the name of the guy cast as the tin man he spoke like a valley girl and was always doing cart wheels when there was enough room. The role of the Scarecrow went to a girl named Elaine she loved to remind everyone that she was saving her virginity for marriage.  We used to call her “the virgin whore” because she had done everything but “it” with countless guys.

 The wizard was a jobless, left over hippie named Jeff who lived in a VW bus and sold pot out of the back to college kids. The girl who played Dorothy was named Cecilia she graduated high school a year ahead of me and was three month pregnant with the director’s child.  The director of the show was a 43 year old transplanted New Yorker who loved to talk about his glory days of acting on the New York stage. His name was Ron and everyday he wreaked of alcohol, bad cologne and cigarettes.  

The children’s theatre was done guerilla style which meant that we would travel to the different venues to perform. The venues were never theatres, they were libraries, recreation centers, barns, juvenile detention centers, a mall, basements and under a tree once. Because I was accustomed to performing in a theatre at school, this was a little disconcerting at first but I thought it’s my first paying acting job and it will help me grow as a performer.  

In the beginning we rehearsed during the day in an office like room Ron had rented in a strip mall. He insisted on calling us by our characters names even when we were not rehearsing, his philosophy was to be the character, you had to live as the character 24/7. I honestly think he forgot what our names were and was compensating.

 I was taught to give my character a history to give them secrets this would give your performance layers. I began to think about what was Glenda really like when she wasn’t helping lost chicks from Kansas or tin men. What was life at home like for Glenda?  I would ask things like is she a vegetarian, does she ever wear black, does she have any other friends that are not midgets and does she drink or do drugs? I decided that yes she was a vegetarian, she did not have any other friends but the midgets however she wanted other friends as she would do drugs and alcohol if it meant fitting in.  I made her drug of choice whippets but because they were hard to come by in Oz she was addicted to qualudes.  Elaine decided that the Scarecrow was a virgin, I thought I should decide how experienced was Glenda as well.  I decided that Glenda was an out and out slut that had done most of the midgets in Oz, boys and girls, because she was deeply insecure about losing her only friends. 

When our first show rolled around we were anxious to perform in front of a live audience.  It was for a group of children at the public library, Cecilia, who played Dorothy had a touch of morning sickness before it started and the wizard showed up stoned but all in all it was well received by everyone that attended. Our next venue was the Mall.  After unloading the set pieces and setting up the stage we gathered in the dressing room and changed into our costumes. There were not as many people watching the show as we had hoped. A few of us mentioned that after the show, we could all change and go shopping since it was payday and Friday.  On our way back to the dressing room Ron told everyone not to change out of costume and that he needed to talk to all of us. When we were assembled he announced that we needed to promote the theatre to the public and  he had a brilliant idea to expose more people to his children’s theatre. His idea was to do something he called “mall walks”. This meant the cast would have to parade around the mall in our costumes, greeting shoppers to let them know about the show. In addition we were made to stop and sing at different locations in the mall. To say no one in the cast  was thrilled except for Dorothy, who was totally faking it, was an understatement.  Dawn, the Wicked Witch, mentioned that she would rather poke her anus with a fire poker and start listening to Christian rock than to walk around a mall singing. Danny, the Tin man, complained that it was compromising his artistic beliefs and he feared it would damage his stage career. He made this statement even though he was still in college and we lived in a small college town in Florida.  Jeff the wizard seemed almost giddy about the idea and told the Tin man he was crazy for not wanting to participate. He explained that the mall walks could be a good way to meet lonely single mothers.  “It’s like they can’t really get to know you if you perform once at a library because once the show is over, they are out the door before you can get a good idea of who is married and who’s available”.   Despite Danny’s feminine demeanor and his pre occupation with all things Madonna, Jeff had no idea that Danny might be homosexual.  He was visibly puzzled when Danny asked if he was on crack after Jeff suggested Danny go for a Vietnamese women with four small children. Jeff replied no and  he only smoked and sold weed, he went on to tell Danny that any other drugs besides weed and acid were evil.  Danny called him a moron and applied more eyeliner to his Tin Man make up.  Jeff shrugged his shoulders, combed his hair, took a whiff of his underarms as he hummed Foxy Lady. As we walked around the mall, we all put on a happy face and said hello to the people shopping.  Because the mall was not very crowded or very big, we encountered the same people over and over again. Some of the children in the mall grew tired of repeatedly seeing us . Eventually they decided to throw whatever snacks they had at us while we passed the food court. When we got back to the dressing room I discovered a waffle shaped French fry in my hair and gum on the side of my tool costume.  We all hoped to gather what glint of dignity was left and call it a day. Instead we were given a 10 minute break and told to get ready for another spin around the food court.  After the first mall walk even Jeff lost his initial enthusiasm. Apparently his plan to find love in the mall had been shattered a bit as he was shot down and laughed at by most of the women he encountered.  Danny decided that he was going to protest on the grounds that we were beign exploited. He went on to state that “situations like these are the reason why unions were created”.  Ron proceeded to tell Danny, that if he refused to do the mall walk, he would be out of the show and un-paid for his work that day.  At first the wicked witch, Dawn, was in Danny’s corner but as soon as the fur was flying between the two men, she stayed out of it. Expletives were exchanged until Danny with tears in his eyes told Ron where he could put the show, threw his costume on the ground and stormed out.  Ron was still very upset and proceeded to yell at everyone in the room. “Anyone who refuses to do Mall walks will be asked to leave the show and you will not be paid for the day is that clear?!” We all quietly agreed in unison.  Ron took a moment and then in a hoarse voice he addressed all of us “Glenda, Dorothy, Witch, and Wizard, I want to see your tired asses outside and ready for another mall walk in ten!” He then swung open the door and slammed it shut on his way out. Everyone was silent until the Jeff, the wizard, summed up the general feeling in the room, he whispered the word” shit “. We all did as we were told and circled the food court, stopping to sing while fending off the flying scraps of someone’s left over lunch.    The rest of the run was a little empty without Danny as Tin Man but we pulled through.  Jeff ended up pulling double duty as both the Tin Man and the Wizard.    Our next venue was a juvenile detention center.  We were all a little nervous because we would be performing the Wizard of Oz to the 13 to 17 year old offenders.  I could not imagine that the kids in this age group or position in life would want to see what was clearly a kiddy show. Thoughts of being stabbed with a shiv raced through my mind. Police officers in riot gear with tear gas in hand, battling to save us from what was sure to be a group of angry criminals.  We ended up performing on a small stage in an auditorium/commissary room, it had a warm and homey feel to it, not at all like the institutional, florescent surrounding I thought we would be subjected to. When we began the show, I was prepared to feel the sting of random spit balls hitting me in the face or having an enraged inmate throw his chair in my direction as I sang a slow song called home.  Instead they laughed, they cheered and they listen to every line that was spoken. To our amazement they were the most receptive, polite and appreciative audience we had ever had. They even went as far as to make us brownies and cupcakes.  After performing for inmates CJ4578 through DR4619, we were all glowing as we headed back through the metal detectors. We made small talk and laughed a little with the armed guard who escorted us to our cars. As we pulled out of the barbed wire gated parking lot, we all waved goodbye to the guard holding a semi automatic riffle at the entrance, he waved back yelling “follow the yellow brick road”.   

I remember mentioning to Elaine that the kids from Juvie hall could teach those little bastards in the mall a thing or two about manners.  She agreed stating that the incarcerated boys seemed much more sensitive with an obvious appreciation for the arts. Even Dawn mentioned that playing the Wicked Witch was the best punishment she ever had and that she was seriously considering auditioning for the following Summer.

  

Filed under: Connie's Posts, children's theatre, Funny blogs, glinda the good witch, Madonna, midgets, sarah palin, virgin whores, wozard of oz