Horoscopes

 Aries- The Ram

You know it’s been a rough night when the Hispanic construction workers refrain from sexually harassing you on the walk home the next day…

 

 Taurus- The Bull

I know you thought it was funny to streak at the party the other night but after the fifth time you ran around the house in full swing, Murray lost his cookies and now the couch is fucked. The cleaning bill is in the mail.

 Gemini - The Twins

So you didn’t get the raise or the guy and your ass has gotten bigger…you still have really pretty shoes.

Cancer-The Crab

Sometimes stalking does count for daily cardio if you keep your heart rate up for twenty minutes.

 Leo- The Lion

I know you think your look is retro. In my neighborhood we call that look “whore” or “Trailer”.

 Virgo- The Virgin

So you ended up getting wasted, peeing on your Mom’s rose bushes, you called your in laws to tell them how much you hate them and  got a tattoo of Kernel Sanders on your ass…in some families that is called  Thanksgiving.

Libra- The Scales

You might find a waded up dollar bill in your old jeans this week.

Scorpio- The Scorpion

Wondering why people are keeping their distance and flying insects are not?  Perfume does not replace good old soap and water my friend.

Sagittarius- The?

You might die someday, so be careful.

Capricorn- The Goat

Try something new this week like not sucking.

Aquarius- The Water Bearer

Steer clear of birds and people who look like birds.

Pisces- The Fish

Sometimes people are just ass holes and it has nothing to do with low blood sugar, messy childhoods, mental illness or having an incredibly small member.

Filed under: Horoscopes