Horoscopes 

 

Aries - Ram

Spring has sprung my little friend and by the looks of it so has your little friend…better cover that with a notebook or say you are fond of putting tropical fruit in your pocket.

Taurus - The Bull

Good news, masturbation prevents prostate cancer.  You might knock your arm out of the socket but prostate cancer is definitely no threat.

Gemini - The Twins

Jeff looks and smells like a homeless person…sorry. 

Cancer- The Crab

Well… he’s wearing skinny jeans and eyeliner. He’s either a member of Fall Out Boy or a big homosexual.

Leo- The Lion

Try something daring today. For example pretend you have tourettes syndrome and go to church. It’s free and entertaining.

Virgo - The Virgin

You might find yourself doing interpretive dance for people waiting for the subway.

Libra- The Scales

If you could have just sent an email then why did you call?

Scorpio- The Scorpion

Death is the Universe’s  way of telling you to slow down.

Sagittarius- The ?

No Bill Gates is not giving away his money to people who forward that email message. What is wrong with you? Seriously.

Capricorn-The Goat

No you don’t look cool when you hold your crotch while dancing.

Aquarius - The Water Bearer

Maybe you are lonely because you pick your nose in public.

Pisces- The Fish

Finding your girlfriend in bed with another dude might be a sign that she is not ready to commit just yet.

Filed under: Horoscopes