“So, I said oh yeah? Well you can just get the hell out of here loser! Nobody can stand to see the sight of you anyway!” my friend Brian reenacted the ending minutes of his relationship with his boyfriend Rodger, “And then he was like Fuck you! And I said oh no, no, no, you don’t, fuck you! You pudgy, smelly man! If I have to smell chorizo mixed with Obsession for men again I am going to stick a screw driver in my eye!”

I cautiously asked, “What did he say after that?”

Brian continued, ”Oh then he screamed something in Spanish. After he was done I said, Rodger you are the most toxic person I have ever met! I don’t ever want to see your fat, fucking, face again! I’m saying all of this with love!”

I could tell that Brian was really upset about his break up even though it had been a few months, so I didn’t question the “I say this with love” part. I had noticed that he had a tendency to add that phrase to the end of any offensive commits he made to other people. From the moment we met in yoga class, Brian made it clear that he wanted to become a more loving person. He announced this every week when he arrived until the instructor suggested that he stay quiet and meditate about it. That managed to shut him up during class which everyone seemed grateful for afterwards.

In his defense, Brian, really did seem to want to better himself. One focus for the day was to let the people in your life know where you were coming from and to be as authentic as you could be. This is where I think the “I say this with love” thing came from. Brian was what I like to call a good test taker, able to memorize the answers but still not real clear about how to execute the information. “I say this with love” gave him a license to be as harsh as he wanted to be to anyone.

Random women were verbally assaulted and critiqued on the street for wearing the wrong shoes or vertical stripes with no girdle. He even went as far to tell a couple how ugly their new born was, “Hopefully someday he’ll stop making a face like he’s straining to take a dump. I say this with love.”

Needless to say this did not soften the blow for the couple. They stood there aghast at first and then walked away completely bewildered. I wanted to spontaneously evaporate at that moment and I vowed I would try to avoid walking down any side walks with Brian.

A few weeks later Brian begged me to meet him and the new guy, Fin, he was seeing for a drink. When I walked in Brian lunged towards me and immediately uttered “Fin completely showed his true colors tonight when I tried to help him pick out something to wear.”

I tried to act surprised but I knew it was only a matter of time. Brian was out of breath as he continued to tell me what happened, “I told him that he might want to think about changing out of some hideous looking khakis he had on…seriously he has a panda ass and those pants only accentuating it. I was like Jesus Christ, Fin! We are going to meet my friend and she is going to think I am seeing a fucking, ugly, panda ass! I say this with love.”

Brian looked at my face searching for validation but I could only try to contain my amazement. He then went on almost puzzled “He told me to go fuck myself?!”

I searched for the words to politely tell Brian where he might be offending people “Maybe it’s the adjectives you use sometimes? Just a thought.”

“Like what for example?” he replied. I knew I was on the spot and I wondered if anyone else had ever suggested he use a more gentile approach when telling others what he thought.

“For example, maybe fuckin ugly, panda ass was not the kindest way of saying you didn’t like the pants he had on…”

I could see Brian getting defensive,”Well, that was the truth…what, should I lie to him? I would want someone to tell me the truth.”

I tried to get my point across,”I know I am just suggesting that there are better ways of making your point when you’re trying to tell someone what you think of the way they look.”

Brian was getting even more defensive, “Oh really, miss know it all! And what would you say if you had a date with a panda ass who was wearing hideous khakis?…You who never has a date? And do you know why? Because most of the time you look like you got hit in the face with a shovel. I say this with love.”

There was no where to run or hide. Brian, the enlightened Nazi had his sights on me. I felt the tears coming but I held back and instead decided to let this bitter queen have it. “You know what Brian? I was not even going to accept your invitation tonight but I felt sorry for you because quite frankly you are pathetic!  You go around and tell people how ugly you think they are…well have you looked in the mirror lately?  You are skinny, pasty and you dress like an eleven year old girl! Seriously, skinny jeans should never be worn by a man unless of course that man is trying to look like an eleven year old girl! Your breath smells like you licked the bottom of a cab and you are dumber than a stump!”  

It was at that moment Fin walked in with a pair of jeans on that had pockets in the back, safely disguising his panda ass.  They embraced and Fin said “You were right baby, I do have a panda ass and those khakis were hideous. I am so lucky to have a honest loving person like you in my life.”

Brian glared at me as I mouthed the words “I say this with love” slowly backing towards the door to exit.

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