03.07Horoscope March 9th-15th
Aries- “The Ram” (March 21-April 20)
Feeling a little heavy after the holidays? It might be time to adopt that Dexatrim, coffee and cigarette diet you’ve been threatening to start. If that seems too extreme avoid looking at anything that reflects your likeness.
Taurus- “The Bull” (April 21-May 21)
Do not attempt using a British accent to make people think you are smart. You are from
Gemini- “The Twins” (May 22-June21)
Avoid eating solid foods on any days that start with S, W or T.
Cancer “The Crab” (June 22-July 23)
It’s time to come out of your shell, it’s getting smelly in there and try using a comb once in a while.
Leo “The Lion” (July 23-Aug.23)
You’re fucked –stay indoors and close the shades.
Virgo ”The Virgin” (Aug. 24-Sept.23)
Yes a blow job does count. Whore!
Libra- “The Scales” (Sept.24-Oct.23)
You know when you see someone eating and it looks so disgusting you loose your appetite? Well that could be you. My suggestion is to eat in front of the mirror at every meal this week and knock that heinous shit off. Love you!
Scorpio “The Scorpion” (Oct.24 –Nov.22)
It might be a good time to take up a hobby like binge drinking, duck hunting or Scientology.
Sagittarius “The ?” (Nov.23-Dec.21)
Time to start lying to the people you love. It’s for their own good.
Capricorn “The Goat” (Dec.22-Jan.20)
No that is not just ringing in your ears…there are people talking shit about you behind your back.
Aquarius “The Water Bearer” (Jan.21-Feb. 19)
Try not to use the phrase “Word up” that is so 1995 and people might hate you.
Pisces “The Fish” (Feb. 20- March 20)
I have two words for you mouth wash. It’s not just some pretty colored water in the medicine cabinet. Consider using some soon.
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