I just read that Pam Anderson reached out to help the needy and impoverished by breast feeding Somalia. God love her. She’s got a couple kids of her own but she’s still trying to help out others.

And she’s got the “tools” to do it!

It harkens back to when Sophia Lauren breast fed Cambodia. It’s a good deed and it makes sense.

if you got big tits and don’t mind hundreds of strangers sucking on them, then do what’s right.

My grandmother was a wet nurse for the whole neighborhood. Why not feed more if you can? If my Nauna could let a half dozen Italian babies get what they needed, then why not put your tit in every hungry mouth you can?

That said, give props to Pam for sharing herself and helping others!

Filed under: Can I just say:, breast feeding, Pamela Anderson, Sophia Lauren, tits | Post a comment

I just heard that on a recent trip to the doctors, Mary Kate Olsen was tested for ovarian cancer and when the tests came back, they found that her DNA matched with the DNA of a Rhesus Monkey!

The good news is that she was healthy. Thank God! Because I heard that if one monkey is sick, the other monkeys will kill the sick one. Ashley doesn’t look violent but now that I know she’s a monkey too, I don’t trust her.

It’s funny but I seem to remember a few years ago the twins were spotted swinging from vine to vine on a Costa Rican vacation. Everyone just assumed they were gymnasts.

Personally I don’t hold it against them. And no one else should either. As long as they don’t shit on the rug they can come and go as they please. Being a monkey just means that they’re not human. Nothing more.

I’m sure they have a skill set that sets them apart from the rest of us. That has not been determined as of yet but hey…look at Mariah Carey. She’s one talented simian if I ever saw one.

And that’s the truth!

So let’s wish the cutest monkey since Bubbles the chimp all the best. In this judgemental world, she’ll need all the luck she can get.

Just don’t feed her.

Filed under: Can I just say:, , Ashley Olsen, full house, Mariah Carey, monkey, socialite | Post a comment

I am here in Nassau in the Bahamas and it is a fucking crazy place! There is a serial killer that is targeting gay men and the papers call him the “Sissy Killer”! Can you believe that shit? I can’t. The public, the government and the local churches don’t care about people getting murdered, to the point where they celebrate the killer by using funny names and joking about it.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just weirded out because I’m from a civilized planet called New York. We tend to find and prosecute our murderers. This island with a population of 200,000 can’t seem to find this person nor do they have any leads. Oh well…

I saw this sign out here that read “Adulterers and homosexuals shall not enter thine kingdom. Signed God.”

God actually signed it. I guess they were right after all. Fags are going to burn in Hell.

I guess the Sissy Killer is on to something.

He should run for mayor…and then pass some legislation which would let all Bahamians stab homos in the street. It could be an effective way to limit the Godless heathens from taking over the world.

A Bahamian woman who is an “expert” on the homosexual named Mattie Nottage speaks on TV about her feild of expertise.

She claims that the average lifespan of the male homo is 42 years old. They are also trying to get to our children by recruiting them into the life of sin. Another previously unknown fact is that when a gay relationship ends, one of the gay men freaks out and will kill the other and this could possibly lead to a spree of killings.

Thank God for people like Mattie Nottage. She is going to set us all straight with her diligent research.

She is a true Bahamian. God love her and the sissy killer for helping do God’s bidding.

I think I have mis-judged the Bahamas.

I want to live there.

Filed under: Can I just say:, Bahamas, church, fags, killers, Nassau, Politics, religion, serial killers | Post a comment

For the ten people who like to visit our site and read our rantings I would like to apologize for the slow down in material. We think this might have occurred due to the alien abduction we experienced recently. I was completely unaware that anal probing on those ships is followed by tequila shots and decent guacamole. We made some new friends but we are happy to be back!

A few weeks ago I realized I needed to do some spring cleaning, get rid of stuff in my apartment that I no longer need or want. My friend, Brenda suggested I try selling some of it online to make some extra cash. My first thought was who would want this to buy this crap but she mentioned how she once sold a beat up tire online.  She works in sales and makes a living at it. For some reason sales people blow my mind because their paycheck is determined by how many people they convince to buy stuff. The thought of convincing anyone to buy or do anything terrifies me.  The only sales job I ever had was while I was in college where I sold make up in a department store. For me going to work was not to make sales, it was to see my friends, try on different colored lip stick and gossip about who was screwing who. In fact many times I found myself talking people out of buying stuff. After one woman spent forty five minutes trying on all of the lip sticks in the display case I said “Let’s really be honest here, you can’t make a decision because you probably don’t want another lipstick”. I decided to take Brenda’s advise and try the online thing because I would not have to convince anyone of anything. So I grabbed a few of the items that I thought other people might want and placed a picture of them online.  Within an hour I had several emails inquiring about some of the items. The first item I sold was a Polaroid camera, when I exchanged the camera for cash I felt a surge of adrenaline. It was fun selling my crap for money and that evening when I looked at the things in my apartment they no longer represented a place to sit, sleep or cook food on, they now were a way to make some quick cash. I went on a selling frenzy; nothing held sentimental or practical value for me anymore. When things weren’t moving fast enough or interest dropped I slashed the prices. I was a woman possessed, caught up in the high of making an easy buck. After selling my stove for 30 bucks one evening I realized my apartment looked like it had been looted. That’s when I realized I had a problem and got help. Now when I feel the urge to sell something online, I grab a bottle of wine or fresh doobie. Yes I’m drunk and stoned a lot but at least there is a couch in my home for me to pass out on. 

Filed under: Connie's Posts, Aliens, craigslist, ebay, guacamole, spring cleaning, tequila | Post a comment

Horoscopes

Celebrity cocksandwich.net Birthday of the week!!

A very special Happy Birthday goes out to the beautiful and talented Liz Hamilton!!!! Liz, you are the wind beneath my wings!!

 Aries- The Ram

I know Carrie is your favorite from Sex and the City and I know you wanted to try dressing like her…that is exactly why that queen slapped your garage sale looking ass when you were crossing the street yesterday.

 Taurus- The Bull

I know times have been hard lately. Things should start to get easier once you stop your bitching and let someone else get a word in.

 Gemini- The Twins

This is your month honey! Soak it up because the rest of the year is going to blow the big one.

 Cancer- The Crab

Time to think about removing your head from your ass hole.

 Leo- The Lion

Many people might cross your path this week. This will piss you off because most of them will be walking the opposite direction on the side walk and they will run right into you like you’re invisible. 

 Virgo- The Virgin

When a woman looks like she is about to gag when you get close to her, it might mean she doesn’t like you…she’s not playing hard to get, she’s trying to hold in her vomit…seriously.

 Libra- The Scales

Avoid people with heads that are too small for their bodies.

 Scorpio- The Scorpion

You know the blind date went bad when the only logical thing to do is curl up in the corner with a bottle of booze and rock the painful memories away.

 Sagittarius - The ?

This is your lucky week my friend!! Feel free to tell your boss and other people you hate to suck it!

 Capricorn- The Goat

Love is just around the corner followed by fear, pain and regret!

 Aquarius- The Water Bearer

No one thought he was good enough for you…he reeks of patchouli and needs braces.

 Pieces- The Fish

Feeling home sick? Give your Mom a call.  You’ll start to remember why you moved 3,000 miles away in no time!

Filed under: Horoscopes, Aquarius, Aries, bad blind dates, Cancer, Capricorn, Gemini, home sick, Horoscopes, Leo, Libra, love, patchouli, pieces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, sex and the city, small heads, Taurus, Virgo | Post a comment

Ok. I saw SITC on opening night and I had to just offer up a simple observation: Fags and Chicks love this movie. Girls were decked out in skirts, gowns and heels to see a movie. I was impressed that anyone cares that much. I guess I’m an asshole after all.

Behind me a fight broke out between what I assume was a gay man and his girl friend. He came up the stairs of the theater with an arm load of food and noticed that while he was gone, his friend sat in his seat. His reaction? “That was a cunty thing to do!” Then he threw his food down in his new seat and proceeded to tear that girl a new asshole. “You fucking bitch! Like I want to sit on the end next to someone I don’t even know?”

“What’s the big deal?” she asked.

“The big deal is that you’re a fat ass loser. That’s what the big deal is!” She looked shocked. Not only was he being outright evil but he was screaming this as loud as he could. She tried to defend herself.

“I took you into my home and you’re saying this to me?”

“Fuck you bitch!”

“You were homeless and I took you in and you can say these things to me?” Then it got interesting. He went on.

“Bitch you are getting fucked over by your man.”

“Stop. Just stop. You’re an asshole!”

“Where’s Joe? Fucking Darlene! That’s where he is. Fucking you over again like he always does you fat bitch!” Then she started crying and eventually kicked him, hoping to knock him down the stairs but he held on to the railing and kept shitting on her.

My point?

That when the movie started, those two idiots squashed their rage and watched the entire thing without saying a word, as did everyone else in that theater. The house was packed with people who came to actually watch the movie. Usually there is always someone with a big mouth. Not that night. That’s some powerful shit! Not only that, but directly afterward, the two screaming people walked out arm in arm. What the…?

I can’t explain it but it was an interesting thing to observe.

Another funny tidbit comes from a very reliable source. She was talking to Kim Catrall about the movie when Kim said “I guess you probably think that the delay in filming was all my fault. The truth is that all those girls are a bunch of cunts.”

“Cunts!”

I would have paid anything to hear that come out of her mouth. She went on to say that Kristen Davis had just come from Melrose Place and was desperate to keep the series alive as was Cynthia Nixon who had gotten a taste of making real money after making an off Broadway salary for years. Sarah Jessica Parker was making millions as producer and star and Kim wanted a little more than what was being offered.

Kim had the last laugh however, because she steals the movie from everyone. Not only is she the oldest but she looks the best, her character is well rounded and sympathetic AND she gets all the laughs.

But give these ladies the credit due. Even if they all hate each other, they are all talented enough to make us believe they love one another. No small feat.

But any movie that can make 250 screaming queens and women shut the fuck up for 2 hours has to be doing something right.

Filed under: Can I just say:, Richard's Posts, Cynthis Nixon, Kristen Davies, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex in the City | Post a comment

In today’s METRO in the opinion section, the very bright and innovative Omar L. Branch has some sage advice on dealing with todays economy. He was quoted as saying:

“If you continue to be obedient to God by tithing 10 percent of your earnings and follow the biblical principals to financial prosperity, you will not participate in a recession. Gas could rise to $10 a gallon and it would not affect you at all. Whether you believe it or not, it’s a fact.”

For real?

First off, the Bible has principals for financial prosperity? Now I went to a Catholic high school and I don’t remember covering that in the 6 years of Biblical study that was forced upon me. What I do remember is that Abraham was told by God to kill his only son and when he went to actually do it, God laughed out loud and screamed “Only kidding! It was a test!”

That said, who honestly looks to the Bible for actual, tangible knowledge of finance or how to murder a family member? Though I did do some research in John 8: 1-11 before that rock fight I participated in last year, I can’t say that I use the bible as a literal interpretation of actual life events. Silly me. But now I know.

So break out the bible y’all and let’s turn this crazy economy around. It’s just that simple. And like Omar Branch says, “It’s a fact!”

God truly does work in mysterious ways.

Filed under: Can I just say:, Richard's Posts, bible, finance, God, killing, stupid | Post a comment

Ok. Has anyone seen the new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated ? I only saw a few minutes of it and I have to say it hooked me in. She is a big titted whore who openly and candidly talks about stealing Heather Locklear’s husband and various other slutty things. I can’t blame her though. She has to be one of the most non-acting actresses in Hollywood. Her career is hanging on by a G-string. She is hot I guess, in a bulbous, inter galactic, cartoonish way. Use what you got, I say. (If I could be her for a week, she’d get her body back in tatters. For real.) But what makes the show interesting to me is how forthright she is about everything.

“Did I steal Heather’s husband? Yeah. I did it.”

Well alright for being able to have any healthy, red blooded man’s dick in your mouth and choosing to pick your best friend’s husband’s! Way to go Denise! Nothing complicated about it. “I’ll have THAT dick. Now!”

Look, I don’t know her so I shouldn’t judge her. And yet I am going to. I appreciate an insatiable cock lust. Honestly. Why not? I do have an issue with fucking up your friend’s marriage though. Why Ritchie Sambora? I’m sure countless men would literally stand in line to lick her pussy. But she had to say “Heather, I love you. I really do. Your my best friend. I just want to fuck your husband. That’s all. Can you understand?” Personally, if I was Heather Locklear, there would have been some female genital mutilation going on in the Richard’s household.

I guess I look at it as rather simple. You do not fuck your friend’s husband. Ever! Period.

The only thing complicated is understanding how Denise Richard’s has a career at all. But enough about that. Watch her show if for no other reason than to hear her say to her girlfriends, “I have a thing for bad boys with big dicks.”

Who doesn’t Denise? Who doesn’t?

Filed under: Can I just say:, Richard's Posts, big dicks, Denise Richards, Heather Locklear, it's complicated, pussy, Ritchie Sambora, sex, tits, whore | Post a comment

Horoscopes

 Aries- The Ram

You know it’s been a rough night when the Hispanic construction workers refrain from sexually harassing you on the walk home the next day…

 Taurus- The Bull

I know you thought it was funny to streak at the party the other night but after the fifth time you ran around the house in full swing, Murray lost his cookies and now the couch is fucked. The cleaning bill is in the mail.

 Gemini - The Twins

So you didn’t get the raise or the guy and your ass has gotten bigger…you still have really pretty shoes.

Cancer-The Crab

Sometimes stalking does count for daily cardio if you keep your heart rate up for twenty minutes.

 Leo- The Lion

I know you think your look is retro. In my neighborhood we call that look “whore” or “Trailer”.

 Virgo- The Virgin

So you ended up getting wasted, peeing on your Mom’s rose bushes, you called your in laws to tell them how much you hate them and  got a tattoo of Kernel Sanders on your ass…in some families that is called  Thanksgiving.

Libra- The Scales

You might find a waded up dollar bill in your old jeans this week.

Scorpio- The Scorpion

Wondering why people are keeping their distance and flying insects are not?  Perfume does not replace good old soap and water my friend.

Sagittarius- The?

You might die someday, so be careful.

Capricorn- The Goat

Try something new this week like not sucking.

Aquarius- The Water Bearer

Steer clear of birds and people who look like birds.

Pisces- The Fish

Sometimes people are just ass holes and it has nothing to do with low blood sugar, messy childhoods, mental illness or having an incredibly small member.

Filed under: Horoscopes | 1 Comment

Last Monday, Barbara Walters went on Oprah to hype her new book, talk about her insatiable cock lust and her disdain for fat people, Star Jones in particular.

What Barbara said was: Star was so fat she could barely walk on to the set of The View and that her breathing was so labored, that it was an issue for the sound team of the show. She also said that Star made the other ladies of The View lie to the audience because Jones was saying her wait loss was due to smaller portions and Pilates.

What I heard was: Star Jones is a fat cunt!

Jones went on the defensive last week, telling US Weekly: “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.”

What I heard was: Barbara Walters is a shameless, old whore!

I love this shit. But I think the real question on everyone’s mind is “Who the hell would want to fuck Barbara Walters?”

Not me.

Filed under: Can I just say:, Richard's Posts, affair, Barbara Walters, fat people, oprah, sex, Star Jones, the view | 1 Comment